hockey & fashion are a natural fit...?

Sean Avery, professional hockey player/jackass, got an internship with Vogue! VOGUE! Are you KIDDING me?! I can't decide if I'm more angry, jealous or just confused. I suppose Anna Wintour wasn't aware of his on-ice antics, because they surely would not transfer well - I can just picture him stabbing someone with a 6 inch stilletto, uttering racial slurs at Naomi Campbell... Or maybe she sees in him the opportunity to bring high-fashion to the Canadian hockey fan...? Well the plaid on the Jean Paul Gautier runway isn't quite like the plaid on Don Cherry's blazers, and I can't picture the men in Saskatchewan switching in their double-denim Canadian "tuxedos" for Dolco & Gabbana.

A google photo search did suggest the guy's got a decent fashion sense, but it's hard to look bad when you've got arm candy like Elisha Cuthbert. I've got to assume that this is his way to access more ridiculously good looking women that are by all appearances way out of his league.

By the way, anyone remember the Take That video "Back for Good"? Where Robbie Williams is dancing in the rain, with his fur ear-flap hat and trenchcoat? I really feel that Avery was channeling that particular 1990s boy-band style for this look...

I periodically like to flatter myself by thinking that I'm intelligent enough to blog about things more important than celebrity gossip. But I find that news stories today fall into one of three categories; 1) things that are too depressing to blog about, 2) things that are way over my head, or 3) celebrity gossip, classified as "entertainment news". As one of my primary interests is making fun of people, I usually end up putting way too much energy towards the third category.

However, there were a few news pieces today with promising environmental news - something that gives me more feel-good vibes than the "celebrity don'ts" sections:

1) From the environmental armageddon that is the USA, CNN is reporting a record decline in driving. Americans drove 11 billion fewer miles in March 2008 than they did in March 2007. This probably has a lot more to do with gas prices than environmental concern, but positive results regardless.

2) The LCBO is going to stop providing plastic bags to customers. Before you whine about it and tell me the plastic bags are recylable, let me provide you with an overload of information that only an idiot would argue against (Chris, go ahead):

• The LCBO is still going to provide paper bags and cardboard boxes, so you can still be a boozehound and buy more than you can carry in your two hands.
• The manufacturing of plastic bags uses 4% of our oil supply - oh, are we short on that non-renewable natural resource?!
• Only 1-3% of plastic bags are actually recycled (putting recyclable items in recycling containers seems to be unfathomably difficult for some people)
• Beer comes in boxes with handles.
• If you used those plastic bags to pick up doggie poop, Home Depot now supplies biodegradable bags for that.

CBC has a pretty interesting and informative "in depth" look at plastic bags that you can check out if you're still cynical. Also, one of my comments got featured in the LCBO article, so I'm feeling pretty special about that!

when you run out of male low-lifes to date...

Now that Lindsay Lohan is engaged to DJ Samantha Ronson, hopefully the world can put an end some of those ridiculous rumours. Do I mean those rumours that Lindsay Lohan is a whore? Oh no no, not those rumours – I have no doubt that those stand true. I mean the rumours that hot lesbian couples exist. They don’t. And if you boys are getting all hot and bothered by this latest celebrity coupling news, please see the inserted photo as evidence.

Please note that I love Ellen and Portia. They both have abundances of charm and I think they’re fantastic. But I don’t think there are pictures of them smattered on 14 year old boys’ walls. And I don’t think there will be any male bedroom fantasies about LiLo and saMANtha either.

I love how LiLo packs more drama into a week than a year of bad reality tv. And I love how Wilmer Valderama turned out to be the high point of her dating career.

I still support the skinny

I'm currently in the disappointing, anti-climatic aftermath that always happens after a cycle of America's Next Top Model finishes. The girl I want to win never wins. This season was especially disappointing because I was SURE the girl I wanted to win (Anya) was actually going to win. Like 100% sure, no doubt in my mind... Well, no doubt until the editing of the final episode clearly implied that the plus-sized, snooty and posey biatch Whitney was going to win - What? Oh my God, like, I know! She of the "my face is, like, my best feature!" comment. Ugh. Doe-eyed Anya was so much more endearing and deserving. Deserving doesn't always win, but endearing often does.

The upside of course is that a plus-sized model finally won - it is Cycle 10 afterall, and about time Tyra represented what is now her own (I mean plus-sized, not crazy ladies). And Whitney's all like "You know I've got cuuuurves, and I'm a real girl!". Well, in this picture, she ain't as curvy, but she's still doing that "mmm hmm" valley girl face that we've seen so much of.

Phfff. So, turns out, Whitney used to be a skinny bitch. She fell off the celery and rice-cakes wagon and decided to accept the label plus-sized cause she couldn't make it as a skeletor. I'm all for real body types, but models are uspposed to be mannequins that represent an ideal. Representation of body types in movies and on tv? I'm all for it. Representation of all body types on the runway? Forget it. Give me a non-fat sugar-free latte and show me the young, skinny, pretty little things.

If they're gonna try to redefine the modelling industry - which is not going to happen - why not include some short girls next season too? Heck, let's put in some ugly chicks as well. And some more skin diseases, like Cycle 4 Michelle. Why do models have to be tall, pretty and free of flesh-eating disease? That's just not fair. Let's see real girls!

Oh, and next season on American Idol, let's some hear some mroe "real" voices. Why should only the talented singers get to be contestants? Oh, because it's a SINGING competition, for good SINGERS. Kind of like how America's Next Top Model is a MODELING competition, for tall, skinny and pretty MODELS.

Just checking.

we're not as good as we think we are

Like everyone else, I've been following the Democratic Primaries in the States. I'm on Team Obama. This is the first election I can think of (and perhaps that's because I'm only 24) where you really need to have a side, or at least an opinion. It's not really favourable to not have an opinion on the matter. I mean, how can one not jump at the opportunity to pledge allegiance to either the potential first black American president, or the potential first female American president?

It is obviously disappointing that, in 2008, it is such a big deal that a black and/or female candidate is in contention for the presidency of the world's leading superpower. This should have already happened, at least 30 years ago and then several times over; it shouldn't be such an anomaly. Obviously, it's fantastic that the Democratic leadership race has generated a renewed interest in politics (Michael Moore is wishing he came up with this). In a country where (something like) 2% of the people control 80% of the wealth, minority representation is long overdue.

Forget the Americans (I'm not a huge fan of them anyway); how does this reflect upon Canada? It was recently announced that Caucasians are now statistically a minority in Toronto. There are more women in Canada than there are men. Name two significant female politicians in our recent history? I'm embarassed to say I can only come up with Kim Campbell (Prime Minister for 5 minutes in 1994?) and Belinda Stronach (she was politician, but I only know that because she dated Tie Domi). And name a signficant visible minority politician? Unfortunately, I can't. That's embarassing for me and my country.

Oh, you want me to say Michaelle Jean, because she is both a visible minority and a female? Bullshit - I have no idea what the Governor General even does. Queen's representative? What does that even mean? Men wink behind her back as she signs the dotted line. Of course it's easy to put a women in diplomatic positions - we lack the testosterone that makes recordings from the House of Commons sound like they were recorded at an Irish pub. But the actual influence of the Governor General is questionable.

Blaming old white men is boring; women and visible minorities need to help themselves. Even the Americans have beat us to it. It's a truly sad commentary on a country that prides itself on multiculturalism and diversity.

Zelda forest nypmh does Hollywood

Usually, I heart SJP. I even just like saying SJP (even if my boyfriend makes fun of me - I think it just makes me nostalgic for the days of JTT). When it comes to fashion, SJP can do no wrong - even when she does wrong. She is as big as an actress can be with no (straight) male fan following whatsoever, so she is deserving of my admiration.

Well, SJP has betrayed me and the rest of her loyal fashion followers. Not only did she wear a dress in crayola shade "puke green" - which is a forgiveable fashion folly, for those keeping score - but she topped it off with a.... hat? Is that a hat? I guess so, but the thing is God-awful. And no points for matching the feather detail on the hat to the feather detail on the dress.

I was hoping that SJP's Sex and the City red carpet appearances were going to be as good as Gwyneth's return for Iron Man (amazing - google it). But with the exception of the layered long chain necklaces, I've been pretty darn disappointed thus far... I will obviously continue to follow and update on this breaking story (single tear).

"think of bicycles as rideable art that can just about save the world"

I have undoubtedly been a contributor to the current environmental crisis that the world is facing. I could count the number of times I’ve used OC Transpo on one hand and I’ve been guilty of driving just down the block to run trivial errands. But I’ve seen the error of my ways and am trying my best to make small yet significant changes in my lifestyle for the sake of the environment.

I’m being more conscious of my energy use, turning off lights and electronics when I am not using them. I’m reusing paper for notes before I recycle it. I’m hanging more of my clothes to dry, instead of putting them in the dryer (this is also because I’m too cheap to pay the coin-operated machines).

The most significant change that I’ve made is busing or biking to and from work. Due to my experience with both modes of transportation, I’ve only biked or bused from work so far – I haven’t yet mastered the timing enough to be confident I’ll arrive to work on time and sweat-free. But I’ve been carpooling (with my bike), so that’s still an improvement.

As much as I wish more people would bike or bus to work, I know that these modes of transit just will not work for everyone. And as much as I hope that everyone will feel passionate about changing our high-consumption lifestyles and lessening our dependency on oil and gas, I know that it’s an unreasonable expectation. (I also wish people would stop being fat, but that doesn’t seem to be happening either…)

I’m not a strong biker, and my legs burn a bit, but I’ve been enjoying the rides thus far. It only takes me between 30 – 40 minutes. Really, it’s saving time, because I don’t have to go for a run when I get home (after sitting in rush hour traffic for an hour). My plea is not that we all hop on our bikes; rather, I simply ask that you not run over those who are making an environmentally responsible decision by biking to and from work. Everyday I face the dilemma at Colonel By – bike path or road. I inevitably stay on the road – large groups of pedestrians and dogs on leashes make the bike path seem really treacherous. But cars are completely oblivious to the presence of bikers on the road! They hug the curb so I can’t get by when they’re stopped in traffic, or they swerve while they play with their Crackberries…

You know, I’ve heard the pleas from bikers before and was entirely unsympathetic to their cause. I know bikers can be a pain in the ass – we switch from sidewalk to road, cut in front when cars are parked on the side of the road, etc. But now I realize that bikers’ annoyances result from their having no place to ride, the annoyances are their accommodations for the poor road conditions that exist for them.

Basically, to sum up my frustrations, please look out for bikers on the road. They just want to save some gas money, do their part to save the world, and not get as fat as you fatties in your cars.

No more sex with Sue

Sue Johansson’s (aka Sex with Sue) “Talk Sex” television show is ending after 6 years. The only reason that this is news to me is because I was completely unaware that she was still on tv. I didn’t even know she was still alive. It really is amazing that, at age 77, she was still taking calls and giving out sex tips. God help the people who stayed up until 1 am to call a 77 year old lady for sex advice. Actually, God wouldn’t be the best one to help those people… Still, how qualified was Sue to still be doling out advice anyway, assuming that she hasn’t gotten much in at least 30 years. The other option is that she has been having sex in the past 30 years, with a heavy dose of anti-arthritic medication and Viagra for her counterpart. That option is even more frightening.

I actually saw Sue speak at my university in first year. The visual provided by a 70 something lady holding a dildo likely stopped the spread of many STDs by scaring people into abstinence.

Dina Lohan does T-Rex impression

Is anyone still wondering how Lindsay Lohan ended up being such a mess? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and when that tree is an attention-seeking, child-pimping idiot like Dina, things are not looking good. I should really add a caution to this picture of Dino because it will haunt you in your dreams. (It was taken at a recent event where she received a parenting award - "Long Island Top Mom". Slim pickings in New York. )


Not that LiLo is much of a looker now-a-days; she's either been tanning too much or she has leprosy. (You can criticize me and say "You wouldn't look very good in your jail mug shot either!" but I don't have a jail mug shot. So there.)

I can't support the resurrection of shoulder pads

Ever notice how the mannequins in the stores always look so damn good in the clothes? For example, I go into GAP yesterday, see (what appears to be) an awesome sweater on a mannequin. Then I put this sweater on and it looks like crap. It’s not an awesome sweater, it’s not even a “just okay” sweater… But the mannequin works it.

Anyway, the point of this is, mannequins seldom look bad. So why and how did Victoria Beckham (who is obviously an automated, somewhat life-like mannequin/robot, probably designed by the Japanese) manage to look like a newlywed Morticia Addams this week? I’m all for vintage, but only when it’s like 1950’s Audrey Hepburn-ish vintage. Not 1989 “vintage”. Less than 20 years is not vintage – it’s just an old dress! At least she didn’t smile for the cameras – I get all freaked out when I see robots smile. They have yet to master the display of humanistic emotions.

I wish all Chinese things were as good as their food

China is hosting the Olympics this summer. In honour of this momentous event for their country, I’m going to discuss Reason # 307 (or something… I lost count after the first 200 reasons) why China should not be hosting the Olympics – or at least why all self-respecting countries should not attend. I know, I know, athletes have been training their entire lives for this moment, a moment where they can compete against other well-funded and well-supported athletes in significant events. Like discus, and ballroom dancing. And that gymnastics where they twist the string around. That is clearly more important than countries of significant international influence pressuring China to bring basic human rights to Tibetans by abstaining from what China hopes to be their coming-out party.

Right, so back to Reason # 307: Hand-foot-mouth disease - aka the SARS of 2008. Ok, not really. But the Chinese have shown a blatant disregard for human health, or even human life, by trying to keep the whole outbreak under wraps. Why would they try to cover up the presence of a virus that has infected almost 16,000 people and killed 28 children? They don’t want the rest of the world to be afraid of coming to China for the Olympics. Because if people go to China, and DIE from hand-foot-mouth disease, that won’t at all hinder their ability to enjoy the festivities. Oh, and apparently, little Chinese meteorologists are going to shoot rockets into clouds to try to prevent rain from falling on the opening ceremonies. Yup, rockets in clouds. Just more examples of the Chinese having their priorities all effed up. (Millions of hungry, impoverished people to feed? Forget them; we’re going to fund a full-time national curling team.)

Due to popular demand from my only fan...

... I have decided to resurrect my blog. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out how to get into my old blog account (http://nortaw.blogspot.com) so I’ve decided to (read: had to) start a new one. And the new address shouldn’t be as difficult to remember as a 6-letter acronym. I now strongly believe that acronyms shouldn’t exceed 3 letters unless they spell an actual word.

So happy birthday lone fan! I hope the fruits of my boredom will serve to alleviate yours.

And I’m not trying to be cool by adding the “-sky” to my name; “swatt” wasn’t available. Ok, I’m just trying to be cool. You can judge me.

s-m-r-t blonde moment

So I was going to resurrect my blog (this blog), and couldn't figure out what password or email I'd used previously. So I just decided to create a new blog. After I create said new blog, I discover that the email and password I had chosen for that blog is the same as my old blog... so now I have two. Anyway, I'll carry on with the new blog address because on the lame name scale, it only scores 8 (and this one scores closer to 11).
http://swattsky.blogspot.com/

**Update: I actually countered my dumb blondeness with some smart blondeness... I figured out how to combine the old blog with the new blog. I'm pretty proud of me, even if you're not.